One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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