Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
