I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
