would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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