no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
