I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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