I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Actions speak louder than pants.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
