listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
