So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
