i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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