my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
