this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
