My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
