Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
