I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
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We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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