P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
