they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
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Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
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I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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