Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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