His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize