John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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