How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
