dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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