just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
