I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
