you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
