Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
