it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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