so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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