im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
