He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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