i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
