I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
