Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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