i came on her dog
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
