Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
