I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
