take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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