If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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