I wish they made helmets for livers.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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