drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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