What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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