The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
