Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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