I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
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Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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