tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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