for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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