Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
