moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
