I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
