I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
