I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
