I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
