so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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