my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
