I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Randomize
