My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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